Tuesday, March 30, 2010

A New Random 7

They are themselves random, and they are posted at random times. This is the nature of the Random 7.
  1. Sometimes, when your uterus is falling out and your hormones are making you feel like you need to set something on fire, cookies help.
  2. Also? Beer.
  3. Sometimes, I do things that are only funny to me. I don't care whether anyone else thinks it's funny; it makes me laugh and it makes me happy. For instance (Note to my daughter: you are going to want to skip this one and go straight to #4; DO NOT READ IT AND IF YOU DO THEN YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO COMPLAIN BECAUSE I WARNED YOU), the face washing product I use looks very much like semen. Recently when I was showering with someone, I said, "Hey, look at this..." and proceeded to squirt a glop of it on my face like a money shot. I laughed and laughed. I think he was only moderately amused. Actually, I think it may have only been a pity snicker.
  4. My daughter read that last one. She would have laughed if anyone else in the world wrote it. But now she's traumatized.
  5. I have a new job and my boss is totally cool. I can say things to him that are entirely inappropriate and he just laughs at them. It is awesome.
  6. I also have a totally sexy coworker across the cubicle wall from me. He's the guy from #3.
  7. My daughter just got pissed off again because she read that one. I didn't warn her about it because I knew it wouldn't do any good.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Vive la Clichés

There are several cliché questions about atheists, some serious and some not so serious. I have to admit, I have contemplated all of these with some degree of sincerity.

  1. What do atheists say when someone sneezes?

    This one is a real dilemma for me; the standard response is that we should say "gesundheit" (German for "high health" or "good health"); but have you ever heard a girl with a southern drawl say "gesundheit?" It's quite comical. And by comical I mean horrible and really, really embarrassing. So what do I say? Honestly, it seems really stupid to me that we are expected to respond at all when someone sneezes. I mean, it's no big deal; we don't say anything when someone blows their nose. Lately I've been just staying quiet. It makes people think I'm being an ass, but really, when they say "bless you," do they really think they are preventing a demon from entering the sneezer's body? If so, who is the ass, really?

    I've recently decided that whenever someone sneezes, I'm going to start saying, "May the force be with you."

  2. When atheists are thankful for their good fortune, to whom or what are they thankful?

    This is actually a question I've seriously asked myself. I have a lot to be thankful for. I was raised in a comfortable, loving home. I have a family who loves me and each other very much. I have a fantastic, healthy, brilliant, funny, beautiful kid who completes my life. I am healthy. I am intelligent enough to earn a good living. I live in a country where there is plenty of food and clean water. I have many more things to be thankful for; too many to list here. I am thankful every day. But to whom? To what? Honestly, I don't know. I'm just thankful. I'm just thankful in general that my life is so nice. No comedy here; no real answer, either, I suppose.

  3. Where do you get your morals, if not from God?

    My vagina.

    Seriously, though. Let's list a few people who get/got their morals from their god. Fred Phelps. Osama bin Laden. Tomás de Torquemada. Now let's list a few people who get/got their morals from common sense and reason. Bill Gates. Albert Einstein. Andrew Carnegie.

    I know who I'd rather have dinner with.

    Now before any christian lurkers jump on me for saying that all religious people are homophobic, hateful, genocidal assholes, let me clarify; I'm not saying that everyone who learns their morals from religion is bad. There are obviously some very good teachings in many religions. What I'm saying is that it is not abnormal for someone who is not religious to be a good, giving, moral person. We get our morals from who we are; from evolutionary brain development; from socialization; from just knowing that it is unpleasant to be hurt, and making a conscious decision to not hurt others.

  4. Why do atheists get married?

    Fuck if I know. This one sure as hell is never going to again.

  5. What do atheists call Christmas?

    I call it Christmas.